SOME OF MY LAME JOKES ( DONT SLAP ME FOR THEM )
judge - " what was the reason of you getting arrested?
prisoner - " i shopped for christmas early "
judge - " how early did u shop for christmas ? "
prisoner " before the store opened"
FUTURE TENSE JOKE
teacher - what will be the future tense for " i robbed the bank"
student - " you will go to jail"
MY COMPUTER JOKE
computer teacher - " students turn on the computers and click " my computer" ......
so students go to the teachers computer and start clicking it
SARDAR WORD JOKE
Manager asked to sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.
SARDAR BABY JOKE
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
SARDAR RICKSHAW JOKE
When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver
adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my
wife? Sit back. I will drive.
SARDAR ESCAPE JOKE
Interviewer: just imagine you r in 3rd floor, it caught fire
and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination! !!
COMING SOON JOKE
Santa ki ladai apne baap se ho gayi
To usne apne baap ki photo kabristan me 1 ped pe latka diya
Aur Niche Likha
Jokes by KRISHNA MAHTANI
1.Thailand: Amazing Thailand
India: Incredible India
Malaysia: Truly Asia
What's Pakistan Tourism's tag line???
''Have a blast till you last''
2.Relationships fail greatly coz girls watch movies and want their love life to be the same"
"And guys watch porn and want their love life to be the same!":D=))=D
3.Ladka : Ladki se- Jaanu, Coka-Cola Peene Ke Baad Kuch Karne Ko Dil Chah Raha Hai..
Ladki- (Sharmate Huye) Karo naaa..
JOKES BY RAOUL WADHWA
What do you call 10 sardars standing in a row, ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
How do you measure a sardar's intelligence level?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear.
How do you make a sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday!
3 scenarios to prove that Sindhis are cheaper and smarter than Americans.
1st Situation: On a train from Mumbai to Delhi.
7 Americans buy seven tickets, and 7 sindhis buy only 1 ticket!
When ticket collector comes, all Sindhi's go into one toilet. When TC asks for their ticket, he thinks that there is only one person in the toilet.
2nd Situation: On a train from Delhi to Mumbai.
7 Americans buy 1 ticket, and 7 Sindhis buy no ticket at all!
Sindhi acts as TC, and when Americans go into a toilet, Sindhis take their ticket. The Americans are fined.
3rd Situation: On a local train from Bandra to Khar.
7 Americans buy 1 ticket, and Sindhis buy all 7 tickets.
When TC comes, Sindhis show him their tickets.
Meanwhile, Americans are trying to find a toilet in a local train!!
Moral: Never mess with Sindhis!!
How does a Sardar try to kill a bird?
He throws it off a cliff.
How does a Sardar try to kill a fish?
He drowns it.
JOKES BY GEET RAJANI
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America ?
Class: Maria did.
Man 1: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.
Man 2: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.
Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him
Santa visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Santa goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!"
A street dog was chasing Santa and he was laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Santa: I have an Airtel phone, but still Hutch network is following me
Santa at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call Modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!
yashs jokes(my jokes)
KID PLAYING GOLF AND PRIEST WATCHING
KID PLAYS GOLF AND ALWAYS MISSES THE GOLF HOLE . ON THIS HE SAYS -" DAMN I MISSED THAT BASTARD"
PRIEST SAYS - " DONT ABUSE GOD WILL KILL U "
KID AGAIN MISSES THE GOLF HOLE AND ABUSES - " DAMN I MISSED THAT BASTARD"
THIRD TIME AGAIN HE MISSES AND ABUSES - "DAMN I MISSED THAT BASTARD"
THUNDER STRIKES AT THE PRIEST AND THE PRIEST DIES.
A VOICE FROM THE SKY SAYS " DAMN I MISSED THAT BASTARD"
MOTHER AND FATHER HAVE FIGHT
mother and father have a fight
mother says to father : you bastard
son : mamma mamma what do you mean by bastard?
mother ignores him
mother is cutting vegetables
mother: o fuck i cut my finger
son: what does that mean ?
mother : fuck = enjoy , bastard = guests
2 days later guests come
son:welcome bastards , fuck yourselves
SAM: WELL LETS GO!
RAM : WHY WELL ? WHY NOT RIVER?
SAM:BECAUSE IN A WELL U BECOME WELL BUT IN A RIVER YOU ............................................................................................................................................................................... DONT ! HAHA !
WHAT IS BROWN AND STICKY?
WHAT IS ELEPHANTS KNEE CALLED?
GHAJINI(GHAJ + KNEE)
WHAT IS KIDS KNEE CALLED?
WHAT DO YOU CALL A SLEEPING COW?
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU TWIST AN OLIVE?
RAIN WATER HARVESTING
SERVANT TAKES A KNIFE AND CUTS THE RAIN WATER
MASTER: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SERVANT: RAIN WATER HARVESTING
MASTER SAYS TO SERVANT : GET MY MEDICINE FROM HOMOPATHY
SERVANT GOT MEDICINE AND MASTER TAKES IN HIS MEDICINE
SERVANT SAYS TO MASTER: YOU WILL DIE!
SERVANT:IN THE MEDICINE BOTTLE IT WAS WRITTEN SHAKE WELL BEFORE USE!
MASTER: BUT WE DONT HAVE A WELL!
DIWALI KA TOFA(GIFT)
Biwi: “Aap ne pichle saal diwali pe mujhe lohay ka bed banwa ke diya tha, Iss dafa aapka kya iraada hai?”
Shohar: “Iss saal uss mein current chorne ka iraada hai.
Pathan BLOOD Ke bare mein book padh raha tha
Wife: Aaj yeh book kyu parh rahe ho ji?
Pathan: Mujhe doctor ne kaha hai ke kal mera BLOOD test hai iss liye test ki tayari kar raha hoon.
HOW FRUITS ARE EATEN
Ek baar 3 fruits mein aapas mein baatcheet hoti hai.
Apple: Mujhe toh sab dho ke aur kaat ke khaate hai.
Amrood: Tujhe kya mujhe bhi sab dho ke aur kaat ke khate hai.
Apple, chup chaap baithe banana se kehta hai tu chup kyu hai? Banana : “Main kya kahu mujhe toh batate hue bhi sharam aati hai, mujhe to sab log nanga karke khate hai.”
YOU DONT KNOW MY FATHER
Teacher: Tumhare papa 500 rupees loan lete hai. 10% interest ke hisab se woh 1 saal baad loan vapis karte hai. Batao kitne paise vapis karenge?
Bania’s son: Kuch bhi nahi.
Teacher: Tum maths nahi jante.
Banias’s son: Main toh maths janta hoon, par aap mere papa ko nahi jante.
SHADI NAHI KAR SAKTA
Boyfriend to Girlfriend:
Darling main tumse shaadi nahi kar sakta gharwale mana
Girlfriend: Tumhare ghar mein kaun kaun hai?
Boyfriend: Ek biwi aur 3 bacche…
Nayi(new) doctor ne apni life ka pehla operation kiya! Operation ki thodi der baad hi marij(patient) mar gaya!
Marij ke marne ke baad doctor ne diwar par tangi bhagwan ki taswir ki ore haath jodkar sir jhukate hue puri shradha ke saath kaha: Hey prabhu meri ore se yeh pehli bhet swikar kijiye!
DIALED THE WRONG NUMBER
A Husband makes a call to the Hospital
to know about his pregnant Wife.
But accidentally the call went to a Cricket stadium.
He asked ” What is the condition?”
after What he heard….
Guess What the reply was??
It is… 7 are already out…
3 more will be out by Lunch…
and… The First one was a DUCK…
CRICKET IN HEAVEN
Anil Kumble and Sachin Tendulkar
, now elderly, 85 and 80 years old are sitting on a park bench outside Lord’s cricket
ground feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, past series and tours.Kumble turns to Tendulkar and asks
, ‘Do you think there’s cricket in heaven?’ Tendulkar thinks about it for a minute and replies
, ‘I dunno. But let’s make an agreement: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.’ They shake hands on it.
Sadly, a few months later, poor Kumble passes on.
One day soon afterward, Tendulkar is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper
, ‘Sachin….Sachin’ Tendulkar responds
, ‘Anil, is that you?’ Yes it is me, ‘whispers Kumble’s ghost. Tendulkar still amazed enquires
, ‘So, is there cricket in heaven?’
‘Well, ’says Kumble
, ‘I’ve got good news and bad news.’
‘Gimme the good news first, ’says Tendulkar
‘Well… there is cricket in heaven.’ Tendulkar says
, ‘That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?’ Kumble sighs and whispers
, ‘You are going to open the innings
KHADA KAR DIYA
Krish: Doctor ne mujhe kaha tha ki woh do hafte mein mujhe pairo par khada kar dega!
Jack: Accha kya who aisa kar paya?
Krish: Ha uska bill chukane ke liye mujhe apni car jo bechni padi.
BADA KAB HOGA
Beta papa se: Papa main itna bada kab ho jaunga ki mummy se bina poochey ghar se bahar ja sakoo.
Papa thandi saans lete hue: Beta, itna bada toh abhi main bhi nahi hua hoon.
One: Oye tera ek daant neela kyun ho gaya?
Two: Yaar maine ink lagayi hai
One: Woh kyun.?
Two: Kyun ke aaj kal “bluetooth” ka zamana hai yaar…
WHY INDIA LOST WORLD CUP FINAL IN 2003?
lost World cup final in 2003???
Just in case you were still wondering as to why India lost the final of the
2003 world cup after playing so well in the league games, probably here lies
The teams that qualified for the super six stage…
India, Sri Lanka
, Australia, New Zealand
, Kenya, Zimabawe.
Note there are two teams each from the continents of Asia,Australia & Africa respectively.
The teams that have the last alphabet “a” in their names qualified for the
Indi”a”, Australi”a”, Keny”a” & Sri Lank”a”.
The teams that have alphabets “ia” at the last of their name qualified for
the Final i.e
Ind “ia” & Austral”ia”.
Kisne World Cup “lia” - Austra”lia”
Kisne World Cup “dia” - In”dia”
KAB TAK KHAOGE
Shaadi mein ek pathan bahut der tak khana kha raha tha.
Kisi ne poocha kab tak khaoge?
Pathan: Mein toh khud kha-kha ke dukhi hoon, Par kya karon card mein likha tha Dinner 7 PM to 10 PM.